Kevin Vose:可这个“玩笑”搞砸了，大家都对我冷眼相待，我只好借酒消愁

诗繁韵诗社

Snail’s pace

I used to be a fast runner.

Now look at me, the slowest guy in Hampshire, otherwise known as Hants.

I’m so slow, I meet myself coming back.

A few years ago I made a disparaging remark, at the Saturday morning run round the park.

You see, I regarded myself as a ‘proper’ athlete, so was scornful of this ‘fun-running’ phenomenon,

which to me was an excuse for avoiding ‘manly’ competition.

Yes, I was a misogynist too.

I said to a veteran of these events, Larry Lotsofstops, at the post-run breakfast, ‘You’re so slow, a snail passed you.’

But I was given the cold shoulder after the ‘joke’ fell flat, so hit the ale.

One day, running through a forest, still ‘phissed’, I narrowly avoided crushing a slimy creature in a shell,

who asked, ‘Can I have a lift?’

‘I’m going to a convention for ‘terrestrial pulmonate gastropod molluscs’, the scientific term for me,

a typical example of the British snail.

I acceded to his request, but a spider, spotting the approaching rain-filled clouds, appeared above, saying,

‘Don’t worry, I’m checking the forecast on my website.

‘Apparently I’ve lost all my spidery writing, it now looks like hieroglyphics.

A river called Amazon has put them all onto a cloud, which is something on a computer.

‘Oh, I am confused.’

Then a party of ants, who feared being doused with water, jumped on my legs, asking ‘Can we come to?’

The spider said, ‘But, you’ll have ants in your pants in Hants!’

‘These jokes are what kept me going,’ said the snail, ‘avoiding galloping horses and escaped prisoners,

like Magwitch.

‘You know, that character in Charles Dicken’s novel, Great Expectations,

who made a dash for safety from his hidey hole on Essex Marshes.’

The next time we met, she boasted, ‘I’ve finally come out of my shell,

and that’s not just a literary metaphor.

‘It fell off when I embraced that spider, you know, the one with his website?

Anyway, I’m going, for I take ages to get anywhere, so keep up the running – oh,

and stay off the booze.’

Alas, I did the first for a while, but not the last.

For beer or better still, whisky, was something I could never refuse.

Years later, as I drank cans of lager in that aforementioned forest,

I saw my slimy acquaintance emerge from under a stone,

wave her feelers at a spider who’d swung down, then elope into a leafy glen.

I confessed to my addiction at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous,

which I’d decided to attend on the spur of the moment, after this curious incident.

They applauded my honesty, and I now have a contract with a movie producer,

who had hit the bottle after a series of flops.

‘I loved your story,’ he declared, ‘even if it is a product of alcohol. I even have a great .

‘What’s more, I’ve lined up a great cast, Tim Shanks and that Irish fellow, Columbine Farrell,

and I’ve even got the local fun runners to appear, after speaking to a fellow called Lotsofstops.’

‘Anyway, as a gesture of goodwill, he invited you to a park run, which is still held at the usual place.

He said you were an athlete, who couldn’t half shift.

‘But now, ha ha, you can’t get above a snail’s pace.’

蜗牛的速度

我曾经跑得飞快。

可你看看现在的我，汉普郡（简称汉茨）最慢的家伙。慢到我往前走，都能撞见往回走的自己。

几年前，在周六清晨的公园慢跑活动上，我口出恶言。

那时我自认是个“正经”运动员，对这种“趣味跑”嗤之以鼻，在我看来，这不过是逃避“男子汉式”竞争的借口。

没错，我那时还歧视女性。

跑完步吃早餐时，我对一位常参加活动的老手拉里·洛茨托普斯说：“你慢得离谱，蜗牛都能超你。”

可这个“玩笑”搞砸了，大家都对我冷眼相待，我只好借酒消愁。

有一天，我醉醺醺地在树林里跑，差点踩扁一只背着壳的黏糊糊小东西。它开口问：“能搭个便车吗？”

“我要去参加‘陆生肺腹足纲软体动物’大会，这是我的学名，我就是典型的英国蜗牛。”

我答应了它。这时，一只蜘蛛看到乌云密布要下雨，从上方冒出来说：“别担心，我正在我的网站上查天气预报。”

“我的蛛丝文字好像全乱了，看起来像象形文字。有条叫亚马逊的河把它们都存进了‘云’里，那是电脑上的东西。”

“唉，我都搞糊涂了。”

接着，一群怕被雨水浇透的蚂蚁跳到我腿上，问：“我们也能一起去吗？”

蜘蛛说：“那你在汉茨可要‘裤裆里爬蚂蚁——坐立难安’啦！”

蜗牛说：“就是这些玩笑撑着我活下去，躲开飞驰的马，还有逃犯，比如马格韦契。”

“你知道的，查尔斯·狄更斯小说《远大前程》里的那个角色，从埃塞克斯沼泽的藏身处拼命逃出来求生。”

再见面时，它得意地说：“我终于走出自己的壳了，这不只是文学比喻。”

“我抱那只蜘蛛的时候壳掉了，就是那个有网站的蜘蛛。不说了，我走了，我去哪儿都要花好久，你继续跑步吧——对了，别再喝酒了。”

唉，跑步我坚持了一阵子，戒酒却没做到。啤酒，或者更好的威士忌，我从来都拒绝不了。

多年后，我在之前那片树林里喝着罐装拉格啤酒，看见那个黏糊糊的老熟人从石头底下爬出来，朝荡下来的蜘蛛挥了挥触角，然后一起私奔进了绿树成荫的山谷。

这件怪事之后，我一时兴起去了匿名戒酒会，坦白了自己的酒瘾。

大家为我的诚实鼓掌。现在我和一位电影制片人签了合约，他之前因为一连串票房惨败而酗酒度日。

“我喜欢你的故事，”他说，“就算是酒精催生出来的也没关系。我还写了个超棒的剧本。”

“而且，我已经敲定了强大的演员阵容：蒂姆·尚克斯，还有那个爱尔兰人哥伦拜恩·法瑞尔。我还联系了洛茨托普斯，让当地的趣味跑爱好者也出镜。”

“总之，出于善意，他邀请你去参加公园慢跑，地点还是老地方。”

他说你曾经是个运动员，跑得飞快。

可现在，哈哈，你快不起来了，慢得跟蜗牛一样。