我的经历 上篇 My experience part 1

瑩

我的生日是6月21日，马上就一周岁了，这美篇就算是给自己的生日礼物吧。不过此生日非彼生日，容我慢慢道来。

My birthday is June twenty-first; I am almost one year old. This article is my birthday gift to myself. However, this birthday is not my real birthday. Let me tell you why.

在Copper Mountain 滑雪 

Ski at Copper Mountain

1．滑雪摔断锁骨 Breaking my collar bone while skiing

对经历了先生失去工作又找到工作，工作没多久就回国奔丧的2015年春天记忆尤深。因我自己也刚换了新工作不久。这是我几十年来最满意的工作，主要是因它离家近，而且各种福利都不错。

I have a vivid memory of 2015. In 2015 my husband lost his job but found a new job shortly after, then he had to go back to China to attend his dad's funeral. I started a new job that year as well. I liked that job mainly because it was very close to home and had pretty good benefits.

Copper Mountain 滑雪场 

Copper Mountain Ski Area

那天是先生从中国回来的第二天晚上，女儿提出想上山滑雪，当时春假都快过完了，由于先生回国，一直没时间跟孩子们出去散心，感觉有点愧疚，所以就满口答应了。当时已快九点钟了，赶快上网和老板联系，好在他也在网上，且痛快的同意了我第二天休假的请求。

I remember it was the second night that my husband came back from China, and my daughter suggested we go skiing the following day. That week it was spring break. Because my husband went to China and I was busy working, I did not have time to go out with my kids anywhere for break, so I felt guilty. I quickly went on the intranet, found my boss, and I asked to take the following day off. He kindly said yes.

Loveland 滑雪场 

Loveland Ski Area

锁骨沒摔断前

Before my Collarbone was broken

3月26日天高气爽，三人顺利的到达了滑雪场，虽然雪不是特别好，但也还说得过去。我们在最喜欢的几个黑道上滑了几小时后，准备再滑一次就去吃午饭。可就是这最后一次，意外发生了。在一处有大片冰的地方，我转了一下，结果整个人就顺着山坡摔了下去。当面向苍天360度的转到第二圈的时候，我听到了两声发自右肩膀处的响声，我意识到可能骨折了。

The weather was extremely nice on March 26th. We arrived at Copper Mountain ski resort without any problems. The ski conditions were not very good due to the time of the year, but they weren’t too bad either. We skied at our favorite black trails for a couple of hours. We then decided to go for one more run before taking a lunch break. After the incident, my coworkers told me never say "One more run" when skiing because of a superstition. Unfortunately, this last run did become my last run for a very long time. As we were in the middle of the run, an accident happened. There was an area of black ice, I used my ski to cut across it but I was thrown down the mountain. While I tumbled down the slope, I heard a couple of cracks coming from my right shoulder, and I realized something was broken immediately.

Copper Mountain 滑雪场

Copper Mountain Ski Area

摔断的肩胛骨x光片

X-ray of My Broken Collarbone

Loveland 滑雪场的停车场

Loveland Ski Area Parking Lot

Loveland 滑雪场二套缆车交叉时

Loveland ski Area, Lift Chairs

第二天立刻去看医生，医生说像我这种肩胛骨骨折的情况，手术可做可不做，区别是做手术恢复的快。因我想尽快的回到工作岗位，所以决定尽快做手术.

I went to the doctor the day after my fall and the doctor said I could chose to do surgery or opt out for my case. The difference was the recovery times. I would recover faster if I did the surgery. Therefore, I decided to get a surgery since I wanted to go back to work promptly.

等待做手术期间

Waiting for the Shoulder Surgery

手术前等医生。因前一台手术不顺利，多等了二个多小时.

Waiting for My Surgeon. I Ended Up Waiting Two Hours More Than Expected Because of Complications From the Doctor's previous Surgery

4月2日做了手术。我的医生原准备用订钢钉的办法做这个手术，后发现我的肩胛骨末端几乎全部断裂，用钢钉恐不牢固，索性把肩胛骨末端去掉（减肥了哈）。把肩胛骨和喙突骨分别钻了一个洞，用 "绳子"把肩胛骨和喙突骨捆绑到一起。前后左右共开了三刀。

On April 2nd I went to get the surgery. The original plan was to nail down my collar bone, but my doctor had to change the plan after he realized that the end of my collar bone was almost completely broken off. He ended up getting rid of the end of my collar bone, (good way to lose weight, naah), and drilled a hole in my remaining collar bone and coracoid bone. He tied the two bones together by using ZipLoop technology.

肩胛骨手术前后对比X光片

Before and After X-Ray of My Collarbone

手术后休息了几天就回去工作，心情挺沮丧。因刚到这个公司不久，这次受伤，把攒的几天准备回家看妈妈的假都用光了。就这样每天一只手开车，一只手打字，两只手开门 （因公司门的质量很好，很厚重，每次推开门后我受伤的手臂都会更痛）同时利用午饭的时间去做理疗，这样过了一段时间。这期间因手臂痛加上工作压力，睡眠很差，经常靠安眠药入睡，工作受到了影响。所以决定不拿薪水休假一段时间。

I went back to work after a few days with a saddened mood. Not because I was hurt, but because I had no more vacation days left after this injury. I was accumulating my vacation days for my mom so I could visit her in China for her 90th birthday, but I used all my vacation days for surgery and recovery. Those days, I used one hand to drive, one hand to type, two hands to open doors (the company I worked for had very good quality doors, they were very heavy, and my arm hurt more after I pushed the door open every time), and had to go to physical therapy during lunch break. I did this for a while, but because my arm and the stress from my work, my sleep quality was very bad. I had to take sleeping pills to fall asleep. My work was affected because of my lack of sleep, so I decided to take a medical leave of absence.

下午的太阳

Afternoon Sun Near Home

2．失眠 insomnia

基于当时的各种毛病中最头痛的是失眠问题，所以就去看睡眠专科医生，并下定决心要扔掉安眠药。有一次连续五天没吃安眠药，每天基本是瞪眼到天亮，到第五天浑身的骨头都痛，连手指的关节都痛，整个人极度的虚弱，不得不把安眠药又捡了起来。

I had to go see a sleep specialist because my insomnia was so bad. I could not fall asleep and could not go back to sleep either. I decided to get rid of the sleeping pills. I did not take any pills for five days, and I basically just lay there waiting for dawn. After the fifth day, every bone in my body was hurting including my knuckles in my hands. I was so weak after getting little to no sleep, so I started to take sleeping pills again.

落日

Sunset

这期间手臂疼痛不减，去看骨科医生，给打了封闭，停了理疗，因他怀疑我的痛是理疗过度引起的。打了封闭后的几天，疼痛没有减轻，反倒愈演愈烈，每天几乎是痛不欲生。由于对止痛药过敏，所以我基本不吃止痛药，就硬挺着。这无疑对我的睡眠一点帮助都没有。

My arm still hurt so much even after the surgery. I went to my Orthopedist, and he gave me a cortisone injection and told me to discontinue the rigorous physical therapy, he thought that the reason my arm was still hurting so much was because the physical therapy. A few days after I got the shot, my arm still hurt badly, it was way worse than before, it was almost unbearable. I did not take any pain killers since I was allergic to them; I just had to tough it out every day. Obviously these setbacks did not help my sleep at all.

受限制的手臂

Arm in Cast

这段时间还经常感到胃反酸和烧心，医生给开了抑制胃酸的药。吃了一个多月不见效，建议去看专科医生。

Furthermore, I was also experiencing heart burn and acid reflux, I went to my doctor, and she gave me Omeprazole. Although it helped me a little, I still experienced acid reflux so she referred me to specialist.

小鸟在找同伴吗？

Is The Bird Looking For a Friend?

３．急诊 Emergency

由于我的胃经常罢工，吃点东西就不舒服，饮食成了问题。八月的一天晚上，腹部绞痛，无法进食，就去了急诊。美国的急诊应改成叫急死人的慢诊。在那儿做了人生的第一次CT，结论是急性胰腺炎。收我住了院。

Every time I ate something, my stomach would hurt. One August night, my stomach hurt so bad that I could not eat anything, so my husband took me to the emergency room. I think they should change the name of the emergency room to something like, "slow room" because you wait so long. I received my first CT scan there, and the results showed that I had pancreatitis, I was then hospitalized.

住了二晚的住院部房间

Hospital Room Where I Spent Two Nights

从星期六晚七点左右到星期天早两点多，才到了病房。这时我已是饥肠辘辘，疲惫不堪，可慢诊还没结束。刚安顿下来，我的住院医进来了，他的脸和手上有着明显烧伤的痕迹，我想他一定经历过常人无法像想的痛苦。我尽量不去看他那烧伤了的半边脸，和他讨论着我的病情。我希望他能给开些蛋白质注射液以补充我近段时间由于不能正常进食带来的营养匮乏。可他说这类东西只给病危的人用。至于我如果吃不下东西的话，有两种手术可选择。一种是在肚皮上开个洞，通过一根管子输入流食。二是可在心脏附近开口接管，直接输入营养液到血液里。听到此处，我恨不得立刻逃回家。这时一个有着外国口音的护士推着带有笔记本电脑的车进来了，我们才结束了这场骇人的谈话。

I was in the emergency room from 7pm Saturday night to 2am in the morning on Sunday. I finally got to my room after about 7 hours of waiting, and by that time I was so hungry and exhausted that I felt like I could eat an elephant! Unfortunately the diagnostic had not finished yet. As I was settling down, my doctor arrived. He had burn scars on half of his face and his hand. I thought to myself, he must have gone through a horrible ordeal that other people could not comprehend. I tried not to look at his scars and discussed my situation with him. I had hoped that they could give me some sort of protein shot to help me get some energy since I had so many problems with my diet lately, but he said I could not get those kinds of shots, because those shots are only for terminal people. If I had problems eating, I could choose to get surgery that would cut an opening in my stomach, or cut an opening somewhere close to my heart, then use a tube to transfer liquid nutrients into my stomach or the blood stream. What? I could not believe my ears when I heard this; I wanted to go home now, I thought to myself. Fortunately, a nurse came in with a laptop on a cart, so we finished the discussion (thank goodness).

Roxborough 国家公园

Roxborough State Park

毫不夸张的说，这个医院登记入院的问题有上百个之多。我尽最大的努力配合着，时不时开些小玩笑，因问题多不是护士的错。美国是个移民国家在这里可略见一斑。进到住院部的半个小时内，见到三位护士，两位护士有外国口音，其中一位是从津巴布韦来的。就寝前护士帮我拿来住院部最好的食物，一小杯微波过的用粉冲的蔬菜水，一小盒苹果水。之后护士又带来了两个针剂，一个是止吐剂（因我对所有止痛药都过敏，除了泰诺），一个是止痛剂/麻醉剂 Dilaudid，我是第二天从房间的白板上看到这个药名的。当Dilaudid 推进一半量的时候我就感觉昏天暗地，急告护士不要输了，她说太晚了，已全部推入。整个晚上从三点到六点期间，非常的恶心，昏昏沉沉的，非常想睡觉，可就是不敢睡。感到如果一旦睡过去，会立刻呕吐。有几次马上就要睡过去了，我顽固的把自己拉了回来。这期间有很短的几秒钟感到有说不出的愉悦，飘飘欲仙，自己当时很奇怪，怎么会有这种感觉。第二天当我知道我被注射的药物是Dilaudid 时，才明白是怎么回事。有许多瘾君子用止痛药让自己快乐，我是被"吸毒"了！

This hospital had more than a hundred registration questions; I am not exaggerating, seriously! I did my best to cooperate with the nurse and crack a joke here and there; it is not the nurse’s fault that they had so many questions after all. You could tell that America is a country full of immigrants. Three nurses came to visit me within half an hour of getting to the room. Two nurses had foreign accents, and one of them was from Zimbabwe. The nurse brought me one cup of vegetable soup which was made from powder and water that was heated up in a microwave, and a small cup of apple juice before bed. Then she brought me a pain killer shot (Dilaudid, I only know this by looking at the white board in my room the second day), and a shot that will prevent nausea since I was allergic to pain killers. I felt so nauseous when she pushed the Dilaudid into my vein. "Please stop", I said to her, but it was too late she replied, it’s all in. From 3am to 6am that morning, I was so nauseous and dizzy that I was afraid to open my mouth even a little bit, because I felt like if I did, my whole stomach would just come out. On the other hand, I was so sleepy and I wanted to go to sleep so badly, but I couldn’t. There were a few times when I almost fell asleep, I dragged myself out of it. In middle of all this, there were a couple of seconds where I felt so happy, like I was in heaven, and I was very puzzled by this. I understood why I had these mood swings when I saw the "Dilaudid" on the white board. As you know, a lot of people use this drug to get high, so I was drugged.

住院部房间里的白板

The White Board in My Room of the Hospital

４．胃癌 Stomach Cancer

七月的一天做了胃镜，那个星期五，接到了医生打来的电话，当时就有种不祥的预感。医生告诉我，他给我做胃镜活检的结果出来了，是胃癌。这句话无疑像一声惊雷在我耳边炸响，我一时不知如何作答。

One day in July, I had an endoscopy to find the reason why I was experiencing acid reflux and heart burn. That Friday, I got a call from my gastroenterologist; I had a bad feeling about the call once I heard his voice. He told me that my biopsy results were out, and I had stomach cancer. It felt like a huge clap of thunder exploded beside my ears, and I did not know what to feel or how to react.

暴风雨要来了

Thunderstorm is coming

没有选择，只好把工作辞了。这之后，为了找到胃癌的具体位置，八月份就又做了Pet CT和超声波胃镜。每次做检查都需空腹很久，这对正常人来说，还可以忍受，可是对一个每天靠安眠药只能睡两三个小时的人来说，是很痛苦的。胃镜这种检查都需要提前一个小时到诊所，别人都好好的坐在那里等，我只能厚着脸皮半坐半躺的在那里等。尊颜扫尽。超声波胃镜后，七处活检的结果出人意料，他们找不到癌了！

I had no choice but to quit my job. In order to find the exact position of my stomach cancer, I had an Upper Endoscopic Ultrasound Revised procedure and Pet CT in August. For this sort of test, one needs to fast for hours prior the procedure, it’s tolerable for normal healthy people, but it’s very hard for a person who only sleeps for two to three hours a day. Also for this kind of test, one needs to arrive at the clinic one hour before the procedure. Everybody else at clinic sat there nicely and waited, but I could not wait patiently. I was half sitting half lying down and waiting, because I had no energy. It was very embarrassing. Surprisingly, after the Upper Endoscopic Ultrasound Revised procedure, the biopsy showed that there were no more cancer cells in my stomach!

我认为我很美丽

I Am Beautiful

医生们都不相信这个结果。后经我同意，把第一次和第二次的标本都送到约翰霍普金斯实验室去化验，结果是一样的，第一次的有癌细胞，第二次的癌细胞不翼而飞了。现在想来可能是因为是初期，癌点很小，用微型高频探头都难以捕捉到。

The doctors couldn’t believe or comprehend the results. They asked my permission to send the specimens from the first Endoscopy and the second Upper Endoscopic Ultrasound Revised procedure to the lab of Johns Hopkins, and I agreed. Their test results were the same as the local lab results. There were cancer cells the first time, and no cancer cells the second time. I thought about those test results for a while and I think the reason for the discrepancy is that the cancer was too small when they did the tests, so it was difficult to detect the cancer cells when they just went in my stomach and picked random areas to test, even with a micro high frequency probe.

初生的太阳给停车场带来了美丽的霞光

Parking Lot Under The Beautiful Sunrise

医生说他得对我负责，还得再做一次胃镜证明癌自己消失了。10月28日，又做了第三次胃镜，这回看到了，已经长很大了。必须手术。

My gastroenterologist said that he was responsible for me, so he wanted to do a one more endoscopy to prove that the cancer cells actually disappeared by themselves. On October 28th I had a third test and the results showed that I had a tumor that was bigger than the tumor shown in the first test results, and was still growing, I needed surgery without a doubt.

多云天气的太阳和树

Sun and Tree on a Cloudy Day

５．寻医 Looking for doctors

我的肠胃医生给我介绍了两位医生，一位肿瘤医生，一位手术医生。记得先去见了那名肿瘤女医生。由于那段时间没怎么睡觉，所以在她的诊所坐立不安，站了坐，坐了站，等了半个多小时才见到她。她很有耐心的听完了我的所有状况，做了治疗计划。并给我开了很强的止痛药，意在止痛，帮助睡眠，增强体力，为手术做准备。由于手术医生E出差了，一时见不到。想到这种大病应听听第二种意见，于是就上网查医院，找医生。找到一名医术很好的手术医生M，并去见了他。听取了他对我病情的分析。

My gastroenterologist referred me to two doctors: one surgeon and one oncologist. My husband and I went to the female oncologist first. I remembered I had such hard time sitting still in her office while we were waiting for her because I did not receive enough sleep those days. So waiting was torture for me. We got to see her after half an hour. She was amazing though; she listened to me patiently and informed me about the treatment plan. She prescribed a strong pain killer to me, hoping that it could help reduce the pain and help me get some sleep to prepare me for the surgery. The surgeon doctor E, was out of town and I had to wait three weeks before I could see him, so I used the time in between to find another doctor for second opinions. I found a good surgeon, doctor M, and went to see him.

美丽的反射光

Beautiful Reflection

后来医生E 出差回来了，就去见他，谈了很久后，发现这名医生对我的病情并不十分了解，和肿瘤女医生的意见相左，这种情况下定的手术方案有点可怕。所以决定去医生M的医院治疗。这次和医生M 一起来的还有一名肿瘤医生。 他们提出先化疗4次，再手术，再化疗4次的治疗方案。之所以要这样是因曾有一西方国家做过一个有许多癌症病人参加的实验，结果是化疗，手术，化疗的方法比手术，化疗的方法成活率要高。并说有可能要胃全切。如胃全切，手术后需在腹部开口，接一根管，短期内需灌食，及需要一些设备和需要护士经常家访等等。当我听肿瘤医生说化疗每次需四到五个小时，我就拒绝了先化疗的方案。因我长期睡不好觉，有时甚至几天不睡觉，没有精力连续长时间的坐着。更不要说连续四五个小时在医院接受化疗了。所以最后定的治疗方案是先手术后做八次化疗。手术定在2015年12月3日。

After doctor E came back from his trip, we went to see him to discuss the plan for me. We talked for a long time but in the end, found that he did not understand my sickness or situation, and he had different opinion than the woman oncologist. I couldn’t trust his surgery plan. Therefore we decided to go to doctor M. We had another discussion with doctor M, and this time there was an oncologist who attended our meeting. They said the plan for me was to do four chemotherapy cycles first, then surgery, then another four chemotherapy cycles. The reasoning behind this plan came from a research study conducted by a European country, they found this plan had a better survival rate as compared to having someone jump straight into surgery and then the chemotherapy plan.

熊溪湖公园, 聪明的鸭鸭

Bear creek Lake Park，The Duck Knows Where The Coolest Place Is

６．生活 Life

整个八月份到十二月初，每天都昏昏沉沉，无数次看家庭医生，探讨睡眠问题，所有的安眠药都用过了，都吃到了最大量，都无效了。有一次从睡眠中惊醒，发现呼吸困难，十几分钟后又好了。后来有一天早上正在吃早餐， 又感觉吸进的氧气不够，像鱼儿一样大口的拼命吸也不够，我吓坏了。这种情况持续了二十多分钟后就又好了。直到今天也没再发生过，很是奇怪。那时几乎每天手臂都疼痛难忍，痛不欲生，手臂只能抬到四十五度。如有哪一天手臂没有特别痛，感觉像重生了一样。去看骨科医生，说是变成冻肩了，得做手术刮掉腋下的肌肉。我当时没有精力去考虑另外一台手术，只有先放一放了。

I was in very bad shape from August to December. I went to see my doctor so many times to discuss my sleeping problem, I tried all the sleeping pills, used the maximum dosage each time, and it had no effect on me anymore. Once, I woke up, I found it difficult to breathe; after more than ten minutes, I was back to normal. After that, one breakfast morning, the same thing happened, but this time it was much worse. I could not get enough air into my lungs, so I opened my mouth and tried to suck in as much air as I could, but it still was not enough. I was in panicked mood. Luckily it went away after about twenty minutes. Strangely, it has never happened again after that day. Meanwhile, my arm still hurt so badly every day that it was almost unbearable. I could only raise my arm 45 degrees from my side. Once in a while my arm wouldn’t hurt as badly, that day would be like a miracle day for me. I went to see the Orthopedist. He told me that my shoulder had already become a frozen shoulder, and that I had to go through a surgery to get rid of the muscles under the arm. I let it go, because I did not have any energy left to deal with another surgery.

美丽的落日余辉

Beautiful Sunset Afterglow

那时最怕的就是夜幕降临，因为那意味着又要和睡眠做斗争了。我怕进卧室，怕看到一切和睡眠有关的东西。每天临睡前都遵照睡眠医生的建议，先听些柔和的音乐，再打坐等等。可躺下一会儿，身体各种的不适就全部跳出来。可能和长期缺觉有关，每天白天心神不宁，坐也不是，站也不是，晚上要躺在床上不动，几乎比登天还难。多数时想为了家人，我得睡觉，我不能动，但多数时间都是以失败告终。只有移"驾"到椅子上或坐在床上等时光慢慢流去。有道是"窗前明月光，疑是白日光，举头望明月，低头泪汪汪"。这样熬到一两点，再去吃安眠药。后期吃安眠药无效后，每晚上床下床无数次。那时谁家房外的灯几点关，谁家半夜还有人出入，我都一清二楚。

The scariest part of the day was when evening arrived. It meant that I would be struggling with my sleep again. I was afraid of my bedroom, afraid to see anything relating to sleeping. Every day I followed the same ritual. First I would listen to some soft music and then meditate, but once I lie down, every part of my body would scream at me. Because my insomnia, I could not sit still for short periods of time during the day, I also had a hard time lying still in my bed at night. Most of time, I told myself that I needed to lay still and go to sleep for the sake of my family. Unfortunately, most of the time, I would fail. Sometimes I couldn’t lie in bed at all so I eventually had to move to the chair next to my bed and wait for the night to pass. I changed poet Li Bai’s "Tranquil Night" poem to "A bed, I see a silver light, I wonder if it’s day light, looking up, I find the moon bright, bowing, tears streaming down my face". Most of the time, I’d wait until two or three o’clock in the morning and take a sleeping pill to get some sleep, but the pill doesn’t work so I end up going back and forth from my bed to chair and from my chair to bed a million times a night. I got really familiar with my neighbors work schedules from my windows and I knew what time which house would turn off their porch light, and who would go out or come back during the middle of night and at what time.

在美丽云朵下的山峦

Beautiful Mountain Under Pretty Clouds

几个月的时间下来，我就从一个喜欢运动，身体康健的人变成了弱不经风的林黛玉。由于睡眠不足的缘故，每天就像个僵尸一样，身体极度虚弱，走不到一百米就没了力气。以前的我上下楼经常是跑跑跳跳的，现在扶着楼梯的扶手还要晃三晃。每天看着外面散步的人和他们的宠物狗，雄纠纠气昂昂的样子，羡慕得口水都要流出来了。不敢相信以前的自己也曾是他们中的一员。每次出门坐在车里就怕听音乐，尤其是摇滚乐。在家怕看电视，特别是球赛的节目。所有声音除人声外在我这里都变成了刺耳的噪音，像小虫一样啄食着我的五脏六腑。那时刚上WeChat 不久，刚和亲朋好友及同学联系上，非常想和他们好好叙叙旧。可这对当时的我来说比登天还难。不用说读文字了，每天连WeChat上的图片都不一定能看完。

I became Lin Dai Yu, (a character who is physically weak in the famous Chinese novel "Dream of Red Mansion"), during those months. I was like a zombie those days. I could not walk more than a hundred yards. I used to be so energetic before; I would jump up the stairs or run down the stairs. By then, I had to hold the rails and yet I couldn’t steady myself. Our house’s backyard is open space and every day I could see people energetically walking their dogs. I was so envious of them. I would rather be that dog than be myself with my poor health, if only I could just get my health back. I could not believe that I used to be one of those people. Those days, I was very afraid of music in the car, especially rock music, and I was also very afraid of watching TV, especially ball games. Any sound except human sound was harsh noise to me. Every time I heard a loud noise it felt like a tiny bug was chewing up my internal organs. I just started to use WeChat (Chinese version of Facebook), and just got connected with my family and friends, and I would have really liked to be able to talk to them more, but I could not because of my lack of sleep. I couldn’t comprehend words or even finish looking at pictures that people posted on WeChat.

我最得意的一桢落日像

One of My Favorite sunset pictures

生活，生活，每天的生和活对我来说是了无生趣。我最大的痛苦还不是身体的疼痛，而是失眠。没有一名医生能解除我失眠的痛苦！所以当将给我做手术的医生说一年后希望我可恢复正常的生活时，我就在心里冷笑，想既使我的癌症好了，不能睡觉那也是竹篮打水。

Life had no meaning to me anymore. I had no interests anymore. My worst enemy was not the pain, but my insomnia. No doctors could heal my insomnia! So when doctor M, the surgeon, said that he hoped I could return to my normal life a year after the surgery, I sneered to myself and thought, my insomnia will kill me even if they cure my cancer.

另一张得意的落日像

Another One of My Favorite sunset pictures

2015年手术前的这几个月是我人生中最黑暗的日子。唯一的一点光亮，就是我的家人和儿女，如果我无儿无女，可能就没有这个美篇了。

Year 2015 was the darkest time in my whole life. The only light was my family, my son and daughter. I do not think this article would exist had they not been there.

另一张得意的落日像

Another One of My Favorite sunset pictures

７．手术 The surgery

2015年12月3日，早早的洗漱完毕，就和先生踏上了去医院的路。到了没多久，就被叫了进去，做手术前的各种准备。验明正身后，见了主刀医生，辅助医生，麻醉医生，护士等人后，被人从准备做手术的格子间推出，再醒来时已是在手术恢复区了。满身插满了管子。记得醒来后感觉阵阵恶心，吐了一些口水，护士向我手臂上的输液管了推了些止吐剂。我一会儿清醒一会儿昏睡，最后听到护士说她已经给了我最大剂量的止吐剂，不能再给了。

On December 3rd, 2015, I got up early. My husband and I began the journey to the hospital. Once we arrived, I was called up to the prep room. The surgeon, assistant surgeon, anesthetist, nurses etc. came one after another. All I remember after that was me being pushed out of the prep room and into a hallway. When I woke up again I was in the recovery room. There were tubes everywhere. I remember I felt so nauseous after I woke up, and I spit some saliva up. The nurse pushed some anti-nausea medicine into my vein. I was in and out of sleep for a while. Sometime later, I heard the nurse say that she could not give me anymore anti-nausea medicine, because I already got the maximum dosage.

朋友们送的花和食物

Flowers and Food From Friends

我先生后来告诉我，因我的恶心，我在手术恢复区待了很久。再后来记得躺在病床上被推着走了一大段路才到病房，昏昏沉沉中听到先生和来看望的朋友说，3/4的胃被切除，淋巴上发现了两个，说明我的胃癌已是中期了。当时心里一沉，虽做手术前已知不是早期了，但听到这个消息还是很不舒服。不过转念一想，我起码还有四分之一的胃，已属很幸运了。

According to my husband, I was in the recovery room for quite a long time until I was pushed to my room. For me all of it was such a long journey; after a while, I got to my room and settled into my bed. I was half asleep and half awake; I heard my husband talking to our friends about my surgery, and he said the doctor had taken three fourths of my stomach out, and there were cancer cells on two of my lymph nodes. That meant I was a stage III stomach cancer patient! Although I knew that I was not an early stage cancer patient before the surgery, my heart sunk when I heard the news. I was the cup is half full kind of person, so I told myself this was better than I had expected, at least I still have one fourth of my stomach left, hooray!

圣玛丽冰川

Saint Mary's Glacier

这次手术医生在腹部共开了五个口。术后在医院住了七天。记忆最深的有几件事。一是鼻管，这是一根通到胃里的管子，是用来排除胃里血水用的。当医生调节它的位置时，那种不舒服的感觉无法用语言来形容！二是Heparin 针，每天打两针，是预防血液凝固的。打针那几秒钟钻心的痛。我是很能忍受痛苦的人，想当年，牙医给我的门牙抽神经都没有用麻药。可对这Heparin 针我却败下阵来，这辈子再也不想挨这个针了！三是有一天我的红血球很低，当晚一架活动的CT机器推到我的病房，给我做了胸腹部CＴ。因医生开了许多化验项目，需要很多血，所以两名护士同时过来给我抽血，两只手臂同时被她们抓着，同时抽。当时的感觉就像在上刑！四是虽然每晚护士都要来几次抽血打针等，但我居然在没有药物的帮助下可以睡点觉了!

I had five cuts around my stomach from this surgery and stayed in the hospital for seven days. There were a couple of things I remember vividly during these days. One was the nose tube; its purpose was to suck all the blood out of my stomach. The second day after the surgery, my nose tube did not work properly so the doctor had to adjust it. The uncomfortableness was surreal; I do not have words to describe the pain. The second thing I remember is the heparin shot. It was used to prevent my blood from clotting. I had the shot twice a day. The pain while the medicine got injected into my muscle was unbearable! I thought I was a tough person. When I was young, my dentist once pulled my nerve out from my front tooth without any numbing medicine. But this heparin shot was too painful; I never want to get this shot ever again! My third memory was about my red blood cell count. One day when it was too low, a mobile CT machine was pushed into my room. They did an upper body CT right there on my bed. My doctor wanted to get a lot of tests done so they needed a lot of blood. I remember there were two nurses standing on each side of my bed and they started to draw blood at the same time, I felt like I was being tortured by them. The forth memory was when I got some sleep without any sleeping pills; that was amazing!

圣玛丽冰川

Saint Mary's Glacier

做手术期间正是女儿高中最后一年最紧张的时候。要完成学业的同时还要申请大学。我先生经常陪我在医院，没有精力管女儿，她自己生活了几天，而且生活的还挺好。让人倍感欣慰。看来人的潜力是无限的。

My daughter was a senior in high school while I went through surgery and all of this happened. Everyone knows that senior year is the busiest time in high school. She needed to go to school every day and apply for colleges at the same time. My husband was in the hospital accompany me; he had no time and energy to take care of her. Amazingly, she survived, she did very well. It shows that a person has a lot of potential; you just need to dig it out of them.

每天面对美丽风景的松树

Lucky Pine Tree is Part of Beautiful Scenery

所有照片都是手机随拍

All the pictures were taken using iphone