“中年断亲潮”：为什么越长大，对父母越疏远？

张永宏(赋能财税&金融）

张永宏（赋能税财） 2025年6月27日 深圳

引自：覃晔 难度：CSE6

课程导读

你是否观察到一类现象：部分子女成年以后，会逐渐疏远父母，而这种“拒绝”尤其会对母亲造成强烈的痛苦。在今天《华尔街日报》的文章中，作者就从心理咨询师的视角讨论了这一亲子关系课题。原来，与父母“断联”的子女不在少数，而正视那些不被理解的代际创伤，其实是迈向疗愈的一步。成年子女的刻意疏远，映射出背后哪些真实心理需求？有哪些认知工具，可以帮助母亲与孩子改善这一问题？一起来听今天的讲解。 英文原文

What I Tell Mothers Who Feel Rejected by Their Adult Children

致被成年子女疏远的母亲们

By Rachel Glik

I witness a lot of pain as a therapist, but there’s nothing quite like the sorrow of a mother estranged from her adult child.

作为一名心理治疗师，我见证过许多痛苦，但没有哪种能比一位母亲被自己成年子女疏远更令人心痛。

Although it’s more common for children to be estranged from their fathers than their mothers—26% v. 6%, according to a nationally representative survey in the Journal of Marriage and Family in 2022—I see mothers struggling more with it. For mothers, who tend to identify more than fathers with their job as a parent, the anguish of a child’s rejection can feel existential.

根据《婚姻与家庭期刊》2022年发布的一项全国性代表性调查，子女更常与父亲疏远，而非母亲——比例为26%比6%。但我看到的，是母亲们对此所承受的挣扎更加深重。相较于父亲，母亲们往往更加看重自己身为养育者的角色。因此，孩子的抵触和拒绝所造成的悲痛，会让她们感受到强烈的存在危机。

When my own grown children were in their early to mid-20s, each approached me to discuss something I had done or said that hurt them. These were the most painful conversations of my life. I felt hurt, I was tempted to make excuses. Instead, I responded, “I am so glad you are sharing this with me. I’m sure that was really hard.”

当我自己的孩子二十多岁时，他们每个人都来找过我，跟我谈起我曾说过或做过的那些伤害他们的事。那些是我人生中最痛苦的几次对话。我感到受伤，也忍不住想为自己辩解。但我选择这样回应：“谢谢你愿意告诉我这些，我知道说出口一定很难。”

When our adult children come to us with their grievances, they are often asking to be seen. Their candor may feel hurtful, but it can often be a step toward healing. It can be helpful to see these difficult conversations as an act of optimism: They are trusting us with their feelings and hoping for a better, stronger bond.

当已经长大成人的孩子带着委屈来找我们时，他们寻求的往往是被看见、被理解。那些坦率也许让人感到受伤，但这正是走向疗愈的一步。把这些艰难的对话看作一种积极的行为，对我们也有帮助：孩子们愿意把内心的感受托付给我们，渴望与我们建立更加良好、深刻的连接。

In most cases, one party is rarely all right or wrong. Both sides need help seeing their unwanted scenario as a portal, an invitation to grow and transform.

在多数情况下，很少有一方是完全正确或完全错误的。双方都需要学会将自己不愿面对的状况视为一个契机，促使自身成长与转变。

生词好句

1.what I tell somebody
致……（tell somebody）

2.reject
英 [rɪˈdʒekt] 美 [rɪˈdʒekt]
v. （本文）疏远

3.there's nothing quite like this
没有……能与之相比
拓展:
There's nothing quite like a hot pot to encourage family gatherings!
没有比与家人一起围炉吃火锅更温馨的家庭活动了。

4.estrange
英 [ɪˈstreɪndʒ] 美 [ɪˈstreɪndʒ]
v. 疏远
拓展:
estrange someone 主动疏远某人
Are you deliberately seeking to estrange your audience?
你是否在有意地疏远观众？
The mother is estranged from her adult child.
这位母亲被她已成年的子女疏远。

5.struggle with
与某种困难进行斗争

6.tend to
往往
拓展:
When we are under stress our bodies tend to tense up.
当我们处在压力之下时，我们的身体往往会紧绷。

7.identify with
认同……
拓展:
We easily identify with what others say about us, missing our true potential.
我们往往认同于别人的反馈，而忽视了自己真正的潜力。

8.anguish
英 [ˈæŋɡwɪʃ] 美 [ˈæŋɡwɪʃ]
n. 极度的痛苦（severe pain, mental suffering or unhappiness）
拓展:
an anguished letter from her prison cell 她从狱中寄来的一封悲痛欲绝的信

9.existential
英 [ˌeɡzɪˈstenʃl] 美 [ˌeɡzɪˈstenʃl]
adj. 事关存在的
拓展:
existential crisis 生存危机

10.approach
英 [əˈprəʊtʃ] 美 [əˈproʊtʃ]
v. 与某人接洽（If you approach someone about something, you speak to them about it for the first time, often making an offer or request.）
拓展:
He approached me to create and design the restaurant.
他来找我创办并设计那家餐馆。

11.be tempted to do something
有做某事的冲动

12.make excuse
找借口

13.grievance
英 [ˈɡriːvns] 美 [ˈɡriːvns]
n. 委屈，不满
拓展:
full of grievance 满腹牢骚
Parents were invited to air their grievances at the meeting.
家长们应邀在会上诉说他们的苦衷。

14.candor
英 [ˈkændə] 美 [ˈkændər]
n. 坦白

15.It can be helpful to do something
做某事是会有好处的

16.see A as B
把A看作是B

17.optimism
英 [ˈɒptɪmɪzm] 美 [ˈɑːptəmɪzm]
n. 乐观（Optimism means a feeling that good things will happen.）

18.bond
英 [bɒnd] 美 [bɑːnd]
n. 牢固的联系
拓展:
the bonds between the two countries 两国之间的联系
the special bond between mother and child 母子之间独特的关系

19.party
英 [ˈpɑːti] 美 [ˈpɑːrti]
n. 当事的其中一方

20.rarely
英 [ˈreəli] 美 [ˈrerli]
adv. 很少

21.portal
英 [ˈpɔːtl] 美 [ˈpɔːrtl]
n. 大门，入口