Totally surprised惊讶 <p class="ql-block">A famous love story writer chose to end her life about 20 days ago. I have never read her novels but the popular songs and TV series based on her fictional romantic stories came back me with sadness.</p><p class="ql-block">Her farewell appears to well prepared and presented to the world as fairy tale departure, or her best wishes as white clouds hovering over pasture, not going away. Chasing eternity.</p><p class="ql-block">Yet some back stories sneaked out in media, leaving me wondering why. I wanted to cover my ears to avoid the noise, as if they come from the harsh reality fighting the beautiful perception. </p><p class="ql-block">大约 20 天前，一位著名爱情小说作家选择结束自己的生命。我从未读过她的小说，但根据她浪漫小故改编的流行歌曲，令我回味良久，感慨或悲伤。</p><p class="ql-block">她的告别似乎经过了精心准备，并像童话般的离别呈现给世人，或者她的心愿就像盘旋在牧场上空的白云，不会飘走。幻想着永恒。</p><p class="ql-block">可一些幕后故事却在媒体上悄然流传，我不禁疑惑为什么。有意捂住双耳，避开噪音，仿佛它来自现实与感觉在争战。</p> Utterly shocked震惊 <p class="ql-block">Two days ago, at home right before J and I went to Christmas Eve service, l learned a fine lady L chose to end her life also early December. Utterly shocked I am. Oh God.</p><p class="ql-block">This year or two, I heard of her several times from my wife as L was their book club lead, articulate, an upbeat Christian, active at church and community. Only Once I met her in person, as I joined their book club outing to see a play in Santa Clara. Over the lunch before the showtime, we got introduced, and asked her husband joining us, shared a bit about our children and her son, as part of getting to know each others. It was a pleasant easy sunny September Saturday afternoon, as we entered in theater.</p><p class="ql-block">Despite such a short pleasant dialogue in person, utterly shocked when J told shared sad news in low voice. We felt at a loss, not aware of any risk that day, and obviously no ways to understand the why’s. </p><p class="ql-block">The feeling of sadness has strangely in stronger presence merely because of one time face to face dialogue over dim sum, contrasting with the respectful famous novelist in media. </p><p class="ql-block">The two untimely deaths of self determination and maybe self realization are such a contrast, considering the Christmas season was right around the corner. That is meant to give Light, Hope, and Life.</p><p class="ql-block">Oh God.</p> <p class="ql-block">两天前，周二圣诞前夜，去教堂平安夜活动前，J轻声说有事告我。我得知一位优雅的女士 L 选择结束自己的生命。我非常震惊。天啊。</p><p class="ql-block">这一两年，我从妻子那里听说过她好几次，因为 L 是她们四姐妹读书会的领军，很文艺，乐观的基督徒，在教堂和社区都很活跃。我仅见过她一次，今年初秋我和她们一起去圣克拉拉看话剧，那是她们四人读书会活动。在演出前的午餐间，自我介绍。席间得知Lady L的丈夫送她来却在餐馆的停车场等她。我们马上执意邀请她的丈夫一起来饮茶。继续聊天，各自孩子情况，是相互认识的一部分。那是一个阳光明媚的九月星期六下午，我们走进剧院，开幕前我帮她们合影。留下美好的时刻。中场左右Lady L提前一人退场先走了，剧终后我又帮她们合影，三人。大家没在意L先回家，一定家里有什么事要办吧。我回想，那天她提过她儿子刚去参军，海军军官，东部Virginia….</p><p class="ql-block">尽管面对面的对话很短暂，但如今当 J 低声告诉我这个悲伤的消息时，非常震惊。那天没有意识到迹象，今天无法理解。</p><p class="ql-block">奇怪的是，悲伤的感觉存在更强烈。仅仅是因为一次面对面的近距离对话，与媒体上受人尊敬的著名小说家感触空间远，形成了对比。</p><p class="ql-block">这圣诞节即将来临，这自愿（自我实现）的两人去世选择的月份，与圣诞成了鲜明的对比。圣诞是为了给予光明、希望和生命。哦，神啊。</p> Reading Hamlet哈姆雷特 <p class="ql-block">儿子在Utah和朋友滑雪五天后，周三圣诞前夜中午飞回旧金山。我问有什么新书推荐，答，这本《The Anxious Generation》by Jonathan Haidt</p><p class="ql-block">第一章29页，我读到这哈姆雷特第一句读白：</p> <p class="ql-block">“O, that this too too solid flesh would melt</p><p class="ql-block">Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!</p><p class="ql-block">Or that the Everlasting had not fix’d</p><p class="ql-block">His canon ‘gainst self-slaughter! O God! God!”</p><p class="ql-block">“哦，但愿这太过坚硬的肉体融化</p><p class="ql-block">并化为一滴露水！</p><p class="ql-block">或者永恒之神没有制定</p><p class="ql-block">他的法则禁止自杀！哦上帝！上帝！”</p> <p class="ql-block">解释说What is preventing Hamlet from self-slaughter?</p><p class="ql-block">Summary of Hamlet's First Soliloquy:</p><p class="ql-block">He bemoans the fact that he cannot commit suicide and explains in lines 335-336 that "self-slaughter" is not an option because it is forbidden by God.</p><p class="ql-block">是什么阻止了哈姆雷特自杀？</p><p class="ql-block">哈姆雷特第一段独白摘要:</p><p class="ql-block">他哀叹自己无法自杀，并在第 335-336 行中解释说“自杀”不是一种选择，因为这是上帝所禁止的。</p> 来去之间 <p class="ql-block">圣诞期间，生死却有重叠。</p><p class="ql-block">今年有照片中照不出来的故事情节意念，</p><p class="ql-block">借手写字转移我混乱的思绪，</p><p class="ql-block">借用戏剧的文字也难以体现。</p><p class="ql-block">我前一半对着手机在笑，是白昼，</p><p class="ql-block">我后一半捧着心在流泪，是夜晚。</p><p class="ql-block">加州此刻，窗外雨声淅淅沥沥。</p><p class="ql-block">让雨，让时间去淡化生死之间那红与黑。</p><p class="ql-block">上帝与你我同在。</p> 后記 <p class="ql-block">初中同学慰问：很罕见的在老同学的文字中读到某种异样的气息！老同学还好吗？</p><p class="ql-block">答：谢谢老同学留言问好，我还好吧。写下来不知是自然还是不自觉，愿逝者安息🙏。另外还有件事上帝让我经历，让我惊诧，我还不知怎么回应，需要启示和时间。有时对神有愤恨与敬畏的心境，这几天有点愤怒不安。明后三天几个聚会，年终party 过年。白天上帝不让我胡思乱想，只是夜里让我静心跟祂对话。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">安慰：愿一切安好🙏🙏</p><p class="ql-block">愤怒定非神所愿，凡事皆有定数，随心尽力就好！</p><p class="ql-block">答：随心❤️</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p>