<h3>Thank you, my friends, for all the birthday wishes and messages. I feel very loved and special. And I miss you, miss the life in FL.
Today was a difficult day, a very difficult day. Woke up in the morning and saw the message from baby Andrew's mom. Baby Andrew, the boy Joey's Run benefited earlier this year, went to be with Jesus this morning at 6:16 am, after battling infant leukemia for 2.5 years. He was diagnosed at 3 months old at Shands, Gainesville, FL.
My tears rolled down although I did know his journey was near the end. But I was shocked. I just talked to the family yesterday about the pain control and his breathing and I heard Andrew's crying on the back: loud and strong. I prayed he could make it the last Christmas.
I prayed at the parking lot when I arrived at work, praying for Andrew's parents, his grandparents who helped taking care of him from the first day he was diagnosed. I also prayed I could keep the smile today and not shed a tear in front of kids. A student from last year gave me a box of chocolate as birthday gift, a golden box.
Today was a normal day at school, busy as always. My little friends were hardworking and sweet. But all I was thinking is the pain, the pain of last goodbye, the pain of losing the soul, the pain of letting go the loved one, the pain of continuing living without the child...the unthinkable pain. I was holding the tears very hard.
After work I got the call from Andrew's mom. Andrew as sent to the cremation this afternoon and she was desperate, "Is he cold there? He must be cold. I miss him so much." I couldn't hold myself anymore. We wept and wept.
I felt twisted up inside. What a cruel world we live in! He only lived for 2 years and 10 months on the earth. He lived like a child for only 3 months. His whole life was chemo, needles, blood drawing, fever, infection, anesthesia, biopsy, more intense chemo after relapse. He was cancer free only for 2 months, when I visited Gainesville this spring for Joey's Run. No child should ever have to go through that much pain. He was still gone after all the hardship, and his parents will hurt like hell the rest of their lives. Just like me, hurt like hell rest of my life. I smell my childs pillow, clothes, I look at his pictures and can only cry. Longing to hear his voice, to see his face again, and to know deep in my soul I cannot fix it. Every single thing that used to give me joy and pleasure turns into hurt, despair and the guilt: I failed to save my child.
We went to a restaurant as planned to celebrate my birthday. I couldn't share this with my husband because he would suffer. He would suffer to see my suffering. He would suffer this reminds him the last goodbye. He is a very quiet and shy person. All his suffering is quiet. Child loss, the worst loss of all, and the worse part? You have to see your loved ones suffer.
I would never forget Andrew, his smile, his fight. Every year on my birthday, I would pray for him, for his parents. As I wrote this I saw a post from Andrew's parents:
"Andrew was meant to come to this world as an angel from the heaven. He brought his mission to this world, a mission from our Lord. His mission is to save the souls of his parents. Because of him, we came to know Jesus, accepted the truth and we now have the eternal hope. The hope is that we will meet Andrew one day and never be apart again. We will live our life by being the testimony and returning the love and support we received from all of you to the world. We will live a life that Andrew is proud of"
I admire their strength and faith. I pray for their comfort and peace. Then I see the box of chocolate my student gave me today. Gold, the childhood cancer awareness color. Gold, a child's life is more precious than gold. I can't fix the fallen world. I can't fix the diseases and death. But I can help to fix, and you can too, little by little, the problem: the lack of drugs and funding for childhood cancer. In 2018, an estimated 10,590 new cancer cases will be diagnosed among children under the age of 14 in the US according to the American Cancer Society. Instead of receiving treatment from child-specific drugs, most children with cancer are given the same drugs approved for adults, just at adjusted doses. In the past 20 years, more than 100 new adult cancer drugs have been approved by FDA. Only three were specifically developed to treat pediatric cancer. I don't blame pharmaceutical companies, who need to stay in business. They need to have a source of financial support to drive that forward and the only way thats going to happen is if the government steps up. And the only way that will happen is if the public steps up and asks for it. Yes, if everyone steps up and asks for it, we could fix it!
Today's last message from Andrew's mom:" Andrew is too young to go, but he won't be lonely in heaven. Joey will take care of him."
Take care, my dear friends. Take care, take care of our children.<br></h3>